I struggle to find one good reason why Dragonheart should not be mercilessly ripped from the screens and hidden in a back room along with every episode of Baywatch. Dennis Quaid as the noble Sir Knight spoke with an unnaturally gravelly voice, like he constantly in need of a throat lozenger. Maybe he thought he was the dragon and his throat was sore from breathing too much fire. The weaselly King Einen, played by David Thewlis, sported a bizarre accent (I assume it was some celtic blend) that was as misplaced as snow in Florida. Julie Christie was lumped with the martyred mother of the monster king role, which left her wearing a "why me" expression in every scene.

The dialogue of Dragonheart makes Cutthroat Island look promising by comparison. With lines like "the peasants are revolting" and "the quill is mightier than the sword" this movie proved that although the producers might have begun with a strikingly original concept, that's about as far as their creativity could stretch.

I am able to say that the cinematography was quite spectacular, particularly when Draco does his first nose dive into the water. There are a few mildly amusing moments, most notably when Dennis Quaid is in Draco's mouth. The dragon had something caught between his teeth - which turned out to be the arm of another Knight. I did chuckle when Draco spied some sheep and bid them a very alluring "hello". But other than those two moments, I desperately wished I had a book to read to help me get through the rest of the movie - you know, something gripping like the Iliad in Greek. Poor Sean Connery - after the farcical First Knight last year, we can only hope that whenever he sees a chivalrous movie coming his way he'll run and hide - like we all should from Dragonheart.

Come to think of it, there is one positive comment I can make about this movie. At least it is uniformly appalling. After five minutes of this ridiculous nonsence I kept thinking that the movie was going to be great, but it sure had a bad start. This beast starts dreadful and mainstains its own standard.

If you are tempted to go and see this movie, I would recommend donating two hours to a local soup kitchen instead. I promise you'll feel better afterwards. However, if you really want a see a movie about knights and such matters, you might try Braveheart if you want to see wall to wall bodies being chopped up, Monty Python and the Holy Grail if you're in the mood for some Knightly humor, or From Russia With Love if you just want a good dose of Sean Connery. Save Dragonheart to watch on video after you've had back surgery when anything looks bearable by comparison.